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The Incident!

exorcist1 221x300 The Incident!Warning:  Not for the Faint of Heart, Names and Places Changed for Discretion

By Matt Goldstein

We’re not really sure how to start this story off because any sort of normal introduction simply will not do it justice.  Although, we could be setting ourselves up for failure with that type of opening sentence.  See, now there’s a lot of hype and we might as well just get on with it.  So, it was last Friday night after what might or might not have been a rehearsal dinner.  Everyone was partying it up and crushing the open bar for all it was worth.  Seriously, we ordered the most expensive drinks we could buy.  Now, one shouldn’t be critical of this because it’s not often anyone can just walk up to a bar at a posh downtown restaurant and start ordering top shelf vodka, aged scotch and VSOP Cognac.  Live it up, have a good time and enjoy some of the rarities in life.  We’re not sure who paid, but it wasn’t us.  

So, we were all pretty much done our 8 course meal and most of us are lit after trying all kinds of over priced drinks.  Outside on a corner in Rittenhouse Philadelphia, about 8-10 of us are hanging out with a few of the smokers.  With its bright lights, this undisclosed intersection is literally the most crowded street corner in Philadelphia on a Friday night at 9:30, no question about it.  For the purpose of discretion, we have changed some names to protect innocent victims.  The possible grooms’ cousin, we’ll call him Connor, a skinny 19 year old 6’5 Irish kid from NYC; turns and looks at his girlfriend, a 19 year old 5’ girl we’ll call Blondie.  Connor gives Blondie a very romantic look right into her eyes.  He then proceeds to projectile vomit onto her face.  The splash was immense and extremely loud when it ricochets off of Blondie’s face and head onto the hard cement.  The surrounding dinner tables began screaming, obliviously hit by crossfire.  At about 5-8 feet away, I was hit with flying shrapnel.  My immediate thought was the 3 people even closer than me must have gotten hit with serious rebounding firepower. 

With one eye closed and vomit all over her face, Blondie begins screaming, “I can’t see!  I can’t see!  Oh my god I’m blind!  I can’t see!”  Conner then wipes his mouth and claims as if he was not even drunk, “It must have been the whiskey bro.”  WOW!  He was so calm, so cool, as if it didn’t matter that the surrounding 400 people are witnessing a scene of terror.  Since both of them are under age, I decided to act extremely fast and grab both of them to come inside the restaurant immediately.  There is no need for the cops to start sniffing around this god awful scene.  As we are walking in, the blind and scarred Blondie of course trips over the smallest step possible.  We pick her up and drag her inside again.  We walk briskly through the posh and packed restaurant and take them both to the bathroom and start cleaning the puke off.  Paper towels, water and some soap wash the vomit off of shirts, faces and hair.  I go into the dinner party and start asking for breath mints and gum.  When a friend replies that she has gum, I ask for two pieces.  She was kind to offer them up so I decide to ask for a 3rd and 4th.  She looks at me with skepticism but I told her we had a serious crisis on our hands and she obliged. 

I give Connor and Blondie 2 pieces of gum each and advise them to quit drinking for the night.  What does Blondie do at this point?  Break up with her boyfriend right?  No.  She begins laughing about it uncontrollably.  Really?  There are still some people outside actually crying.  People and tables were hit; plates of fine American cuisine were ruined.  The potential groom, we’ll just call him Johnny Walker, was extremely angry.  Why you ask?  Was his rehearsal dinner ruined?  Were the Cops busting in to break up the joint?  Did the smell creep into the private room forcing everyone to the other side of the restaurant?  “No,” Johnny explained, “That incident was so amazing, that it might overshadow the entire wedding.  I mean, how the F do you top that?”  Look, I’m not saying it did or didn’t over shadow the entire wedding, but there will be no articles written on the actual wedding itself.

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5 comments to The Incident!

  • Jon Rosenberg

    I’m flabbergasted by this turn of events. Mighty fine journalism, MG.


    Tizzle Reply:

    Gonzo journalism!


    Matt Goldstein Reply:

    The other boxing journaists just didn’t understand.


  • Tizzle

    Lookie here; In my worst moments of enubriation, I could anticipate the vomit coming to fruition. In this case, there was no turning of the head into the street, or some alley, or some sewer drain? It was straight into the girlfriends face!? Call me crazy? Call doctor Freud? Maybe I’m just naive? But there may have been some hidden intent involved to projectile vomit in someone’s face! Weddings and Funerals my friends, Weddings and Funerals!


    Matt goldstein Reply:

    One would expect that the person vomiting would at the very least, bend over and force it straight to the ground. The best part about it was, that he was 6’5 tall. Everyone was underneath the spraying vomit. Everyone!


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