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The 10 Worst Marketing Gimmicks in Beer History: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Budweiser, Bud Light & Molson

stellah artois chalice can 144x300 The 10 Worst Marketing Gimmicks in Beer History: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Budweiser, Bud Light & MolsonThe Vortex Bottle, Cold Activiation and the Chalice Can

By Tim Rodgers, Forward by Matt Goldstein

Maybe you think it’s too easy to pick on Miller Lite, Coors Light and Budweiser because they are horrible beers, but “Honeybadger don’t give a shit!”  We’re picking on Molson and Stellah Artois because they deserve it and because it’s easy.  These marketing gimmicks were not only completely useless and a waste of time, some of them actually worked because Americans are ridiculously stupid.  But hey, can we fault these brewers for making a buck?  Yup!  We sure can.  Check out the dumbest gimmicks in the history  of beer. 

1.  The Miller Lite “Vortex” Bottle  

        Especially with wine and spirits, introducing oxygen into the drink brings out more flavor so the idea here is the same with the beer by funneling through the bottleneck. (It’s Miller Lite; not a fine Bourdeaux.) 

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2.  The Coors Lite “Vented Wide Mouth Can”

The wide mouth of the can accompanied by small indendation in the upper right hand corner of the mouth is supposed allow more oxygen in to “heighten” the flavor of your Coors Light.  Engineering at its finest, (I’m suprised we haven’t been able to land on Mars as of yet.)

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3.  The Keystone Light “Specially Lined Can” 

 The inside of the “Special” can has a thin plastic coating to protect the beer interacting with the aluminum to protect the flavor of the beer.  (Does anyone notice any problem with that statement?)

molson micro carbenated beer can bottle The 10 Worst Marketing Gimmicks in Beer History: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Budweiser, Bud Light & Molson4.  Molson M “Microcarbonated Beer”

According to Karine Brunelle, brewer with Molson Coors, “The injection of smaller CO2 bubbles makes it possible to preserve not only the taste of the hops but also the delicate flavours generated by the yeast during fermentation.”  Also, according to Molson the smaller CO2 bubbles won’t make chicks as bloated drinking their beer.  (First of all, I haven’t been able to taste a hop in any Molsen-Coors product in decades, furthermore, until I see the science this gimmick is just as just as worthwhile as the others.

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5.  Coors Light “2 Stage Cold Activation”

Coors has dawned upon us the marvels of science and wizardry with the “2 stage cold activation” labels.  I cannot believe we have gone decades of refrigeration without being able to tell when are beer is cold.  And for crying out loud, its not like we’re drinking a Belguim Trappist ale here where we need to be slightly under room temperature. 

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miller lite taste protecotr lid The 10 Worst Marketing Gimmicks in Beer History: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Budweiser, Bud Light & Molson6.  Miller Lite “Taste Protector Lid”

First Miller Lite wants more air in, next they want to keep air out.  Nobody… I mean nobody (except the billions of people who mysteriously drink miller lite) wants that taste protected.  If anyhting, if the taste goes unprotected when I drink Miller Lite, I’ll take my chances.

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7.  Bud Light “Etch-It” Bottle

If you need to warn everyone not to drink this by drawing a Skull & Crossbones on your bottle, then perhaps this is a good idea.  Otherwise, don’t worry, if you drink the warm one with a cigarette put out inside, then you might have just done better.

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8.  Stella Artois “Chalice Can”

Because there is a picture of Stella Artois’ signature chalice glass painted on the side of my aluminum can me think that I am not drinking Belgium Bud out of a can?

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9.  Budweiser “Flavor Lock Crown”

Special cap that apparently locks the flavor out

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10.  Labatt’s Ice

Fractional freezing can be used as a simple method to increase the alcohol concentration in beer a process sometimes called freeze distillation. Freeze distillation of alcoholic beverages is illegal in many countries, as it can concentrate poisonous compounds, for example fusel alcohols, in the original fermented beverage to unhealthy levels.  Perhaps that brain damage ice beer drinkers suffered as a result of fractional freezing would sway someone to purchase Vortex bottles.  By the way freeze distillation has nothing to do with how cold your beer is by the way.         

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13 comments to The 10 Worst Marketing Gimmicks in Beer History: Miller Lite, Coors Light, Budweiser, Bud Light & Molson

  • Rons

    Stupid? Of course they are! No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the general public. Anyone stupid enough to drink fermented grass juice that contains poisonous chemicals is an obvious target audience.

    [Reply]

  • Dan DiCioccio

    No, its far from a Brilliant article. As a matter of fact it’s about as brilliant as the ideas it makes fun of. First of all, the writer isn’t even aware of why some of the gimmicks were created. Any vortex or venting for a light beer is for smoother pouring or drinking, in order to promote faster drinking (IE “chugging”, by college-aged individuals) It has zero to do with flavor enhancing. Any gimmick is created to draw someone who normally wouldn’t buy the beer to try one, which could lead to the sale of at least ONE more beer they normally would not have sold, and possibly many more if the person decides the beer is better than what they currently chose as their beer of choice. All of the above probably were quite successful in creating sales that had not existed before.
    Oh and grammar check in #5, learn the difference between are and our. And you have duplicate “just as”es in #4.

    [Reply]

    WGM Reply:

    You are colossal fucking douchebag.

    [Reply]

    Dan DiCioccio Reply:

    because I have an opinion that makes your article look like shit? Ok…

    [Reply]

    WGM Reply:

    No retard. You are missing the entire point. of course the gimmicks are to sell beer. Of course they are. They are just so ridiculous and stupid that it’s sometimes insulting.

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  • TrickPony

    Stella Artois.
    “It’s not a glass, it’s a chalice.”

    Now THAT is Epic Marketing Douchebaggery.
    They actually *pay* people to come up with this pretentious drivel? Unbefuckinglievable. And entirely shitty beer, no less. I’m inclined to punch the first doouchebag I see drinking this effluent.

    [Reply]

    Matt G. Reply:

    Some weak marketing gimmicks I agree, but is violence really necessarry? LOL

    [Reply]

  • Gourmonster

    I also think Miller’s attempt to have people order ‘MGD’ (the abbreviation for Miller Genuine Draft) is right up there on the stupid scale. I saw a guy actually say that to a bartender, who then looked at him and said, ‘What?’ Guy said it again and the bartender goes, ‘What is that?’ Finally, dumbass thinks about it for a few seconds and says, ‘Gimme a Miller.’ Top notch marketing right there.

    [Reply]

    Matt Goldstein Reply:

    MGD is some disgusting shit. Miller Highlife on the other hand, is the Champagne of beers!

    [Reply]

    Brandon Gould Reply:

    The vortex bottle and the cold activation bottles are hilariously stupid and insulting to the consumer.

    [Reply]

    Matt Goldstein Reply:

    It is literally insulting. Are people really this stupid?

  • Susan

    Brilliant article!

    [Reply]

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